Posts that happen when you can't sleep...

It's only taken me a year and a half but I think I've figured out how to go to church most Sundays. One of the hardest things for me in the past year has been missing so much church. I would never have believed how much of a difference it makes. So here's my plan... my family ward meets at 8am, so on weekends I work I'll sign up for night shifts and head to church directly after work. I can go to Sacrament meeting and then home to bed. There may be days I'm in my scrubs but that will just have to do. On the Sundays that I don't work, I can attend the new single adult ward that meets at 3pm. That way I can stay on the sleep schedule my body has come to prefer. This does mean I will have to rotate from days to nights and back more frequently - so we'll see how it goes.

Sunday I spent the evening on the phone with my grandparents filling in my family history chart. It appears much of it has been done (which I already knew but was interested), there was even a line that dated back to the 1500s. And several dating back to the 16-1700s. Amazing! The highlight was chatting with the grandparents about their parents and grandparents. I had to laugh when I asked Grandpa P about a date and he had me wait while he grabbed his 5 generation genealogy sheets - and then to wait again while he got Grandma's! For as long as I can remember I've gauged my behavior on what my family/extended family would think - I even picture them looking down on me from heaven (I might be a little paranoid). I think I've always felt that I had been blessed to be part of a strong and righteous family and that I had a responsibility to live up to that heritage. The more I look into my family history the more that feeling is confirmed.

On a lighter note, Saturday night was had a service auction activity at church. One of the "services" was 1 hour of rock climbing. I didn't bid on it (I got photography lessons) but I did find a climbing partner. We went today and I climbed for the first time in probably 3 years. It felt so good to stretch and reach and pull. There is no activity quite like climbing. I can't wait to go back. Climbing tonight reminded me of an experience I had when climbing in Yosemite a number of years ago. I was on the second pitch of the climb and had gotten a bit off course. There weren't very good holds and I felt very exposed. I could feel the wind pushing me and there was nothing between me and the ground. I could not see my belayer. I remember being genuinely scared. I was afraid that if I let go of the position I had I would fall but I couldn't see how I could easily move. After a time I realized I couldn't stay where I was, I couldn't go down, and I couldn't talk to my belayer. I had to move. I had to trust my gear, myself, and ultimately that my belayer would catch me if I fell. The end was not dramatic. I made some (completely illegal) scooting-like moves and got back on course and finished the pitch. My point, sometimes life is really hard and lonely and we feel we've been left out on our own. We feel we can't communicate with our Heavenly Father. We fear he isn't listening. But we can't stand still. If we have faith in the tools he's given us (prayer, scriptures, covenants, church support, family, friends, etc), have faith in ourselves, and most importantly have faith in Him, He will not let us fall. We may not always be graceful and we may get banged up a bit (you should have seen the bruises I sported after that day) but we will make it, our bruises will heal, and we will be stronger for it. I often lament about my trials on this blog but it is primarily because I know the people who read it are those who love me and I draw strength from that. I love you all and appreciate your supportive and loving emails and calls. I am truly blessed to have such family and friends.BTW - I'm down 60 pounds as of Sunday. Size 12-14. Not currently anemic and the hair loss is slowing. Doing pretty dang fantastic.

I should have followed up my last post sooner. Things have been better the past two weeks. I was able to go to the full 3 hours of church last week, Sacrament meeting the week before, and the temple last week. I am always surprised, though I shouldn't be, how much better I feel when I get to attend church. There is nothing that makes up for missing it. I think the hardest part of my job is the fact that I miss so much church and so many activities. After a year and a half I still haven't figured out schedule myself so I don't miss. In addition to my church attendance I was able to attend a hearing at the Supreme Court and see the Terra Cotta Warriors. And... work was pretty good the last couple of shifts. I do have some of the best co-workers in the field.




I am still losing weight - down 47 pounds. Just had my blood work done today so we'll see how I'm doing there. Probably need more vitamins!

Broken

These past few weeks have been hard and I'm feeling a bit broken. In November I had surgery - which has been a great success, 50 pounds so far - but I have also been very tired and at times, sick, because of it. I also moved, which has been a tremendous blessing. Back in January I went home for a visit and, in the end, got to be with Grandma in the emergency room. She past a week later. In the meantime I had gone back to VA and back to work. I, thankfully, went back to CA for the funeral and to mourn with my family. My Grandpa J has also been having some considerable health problems and is never far from my mind. Then back to VA to the most incredible of snow storms. I spent 3 days in the hospital then home for 24 hours then the next 3 days in a hotel and working. I came home only to wake up to a severe muscle spasm in my neck. I couldn't lift my head for days then finally went to the ER and got some relief. It's healing now (a week later I can move my head) but I'm exhausted. The first piece of advice I received from the neurosurgeon today was to d/c (discontinue) my job and get some rest. I haven't hardly seen my friends, I haven't been to church in almost 2 months, and I pretty well hate my job right now. All I seem to want to do is curl up on my couch or in my bed. My body hurts and my mind is worse. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow night and the thought makes me cry. I'm just too tired and lonely to take care of others. I want my mother. I want to go home.

All that being said, there has been some divine intervention. When I arrived home after the first big storm my parking spot was chin high in snow. Just as I was losing my will to maintain sanity some men pulled up to plow the parking lot next door. $50 later my driveway was beautifully plowed. Highway robbery but completely worth it.

On Sunday I finally called a friend for a prescription for some muscle relaxants and pain killers. He stopped by, despite being awake for an obscene number of hours, and wrote for me. Then a friend walked over and filled them for me. And she brought me British movies to enjoy during my recovery.

On Wednesday I got myself to physical therapy only to have my therapist say my neck was far to unstable for her to do anything. She put me in a wheelchair and, despite my excuses, took me to the ER. There she stayed with me. I was given diluadid, a very potent pain killer, and I finally had some relief. Then another dear friend came over and filled my latest prescription.

I suppose the good comes with the bad. I just wish I had the constitution to be more, shall I say, optimistic and grateful.

I'm sitting in a hotel room tonight, down the street from my hospital. I'm on-call and couldn't stand the thought of staying at the hospital, again, but have to be able to get there if they need me. I spent the weekend working nights and sleeping at the hospital during the day. The snow here has been insane!

A few weeks ago I went home for a visit. I got to go visit my Grandma and was able to go with her when she was taken to the ER. She past away a week later. I am so grateful I was able to be there to say my goodbyes. She was a beautiful women and will be missed. Grandma dedicated her life to her family and the church. Thankfully I was able to go back home a week later for her funeral. It was so comforting to be with my family and to celebrate her life. I remember, before her stroke, Grandma would recite stories and poems and tell stories from her childhood. I've missed her voice as she has lost her speech over the years. One of my greatest comforts has been that I know she is with my Aunt Kathy and so many of her friends and family and that she is now free of the body that had become worn. I have been so comforted by my testimony of eternal families and that she still lives.

The latest update on my surgery and progress, I am down 50 pounds. I am not throwing up nearly as often and usually only when I drink too much water. I'm getting better about getting all my vitamins in. As many have asked, and I've been worried about, my hair is falling out a bit more than normal and I struggle to stay hydrated. Don't worry though, I found a protein supplement that should help with the hair and I'm always trying to drink.

So mostly I haven't written because I've been traveling, mourning, working, snowed in, sleeping, and a bit sad. Nothing much else is new.

I still have some work to do... hanging pictures, putting things in the storage unit outside, getting an closet, etc. It's getting more organized.

My new home!

My new place. I moved in the Monday before Christmas. I'm truly enjoying having my own place to decorate and make my own. I'll post the "after" photos shortly. I have to take some.

Weight Loss

This photo was taken in October, just a few weeks prior to surgery.

This was taken on Thanksgiving, 2 weeks after surgery. I was down about 15-20 pounds.

Last week, taken at "Ice", an incredible ice sculpture exhibit my friend took us to. Photos to follow on another post... I'm down about 37 pounds, 2-3 jean sizes. I actually fit nicely into a size 14 dress at Banana Republic yesterday!

Taken Thursday

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I would say my energy level is almost normal and I'm able to eat a greater variety of foods. I currently eat, as several people have asked, lots of dairy, eggs, chicken, and crackers. "Lots" being relative. I typically eat about 3 bites per meal. I recently purchased child sized silverware which has made eating far more enjoyable. This week I started eating non-pureed fruit, i.e. apples and berries. I haven't lost any hair, thankfully (Mom said people were asking). Any other questions...? I am delighted with the results of my surgery and am looking forward to returning to work in a couple weeks. I've been off forever (I can't go back until I can go back with no restrictions) and I'm ready to see my friends and patients again.

Donation

I've been donating lots of stuff to Goodwill lately. Mostly because I moved out of my townhouse and into a small studio with next to no storage. I do love my little place and promise to post pictures soon. So... today... I had a box to donate sitting on the front seat of my car, the sun was bright so I took off my glasses and placed them on top of the box and put on my sunglasses. Little voice in my head says, if you leave those there you'll forget and end of donating them... in reply I thought, probably true. Did I move my glasses? No. Did I donate my glasses to Goodwill? Yes. Tomorrow I'm going to the optometrist for an emergency vision test and new glasses. Lesson of the day, always listen to the voice (aka the Holy Ghost).

And yes, I did go back and ask and dig around but loads of other people were donating today too. I did love those glasses....

Moving day got snowed out...

20 pounds down as of today!!! Today has been a much better day, even enjoyed all 3 hours of church.

Update

I'm doing considerably better but I still feel like crap. Mom and I are going for a walk, she's wearing her nightgown underneath her sweats. She said I could write that.

Surgerical Update - do not read while eating.

It's been one week since my gastric bypass surgery. It's been a week that has given me a close up look at hell. I was told on Monday they needed to bump back my surgery to a later time so I didn't need to be at the hospital until 10am. That morning it rained, there was construction and we were late. No biggie, they were running late anyway. I was now scheduled for 4pm. Mind you, I had been on a liquid diet for a week (minus the 3 french fries I almost killed my mother over) and had been on clear liquids since noon and NPO (nothing by mouth) since midnight. It was getting very painful. Surgery went fine and the first thing I remember is being in my room feeling very foggy and thirsty. Still NPO until the next afternoon. It's amazing I didn't kill anyone for a drink of water. It was possible. My hospital stay was miserable-ish. Some really good nurses, some not so great. Here's a huge shocker of my stay... wait for it... I couldn't pee. Yes, it's true. I was unable to pee. Had to have help. I'll leave it at that. Don't worry I'm back to my every 30 minute schedule.

I came home Saturday afternoon, feeling pretty miserable. Saturday night the real pain started. You see, for the surgery they fill up the belly with CO2 so they can see better, all that CO2 gets reabsorbed and comes out in burps and toots. I was vomiting air. Absolutely, horrifically painful and scary. No sleep.

Sunday brought diarrhea and cramping. No sleep. Monday, more diarrhea and cramping. Tuesday, more diarrhea and cramping and a doppler looking for blood clots. No sleep. Wednesday, more diarrhea, cramping and an abdominal CT, and a Priesthood blessing (should that have happened sooner?). Thursday, answers. I have c. Diff. If you work in medicine you will now say, disgusting. C. diff is a difficult bacteria to fight, tends to thrive in compromised immune systems when they receive antibiotics. Usually happens to hospitalized/nursing home patients. Causes horrible, foul-smelling, diarrhea. Yes, that's been me. Yes, I am ready to kill myself. I start antibiotics today.

Other good news, I will hopefully progress to mushy foods today. Wish me luck.

As for weight loss, I've gained 2 pounds while drinking water, jello, Popsicles and milk. They say not to worry about it.

I do feel somewhat better today. I was only up 3 times (that I can remember, thank you ambien) last night. Best sleep so far.

1 week and counting

I started Optifast today in preparation for surgery next Thursday. I have to admit, it's nice to not worry about food, food preparation, dishes... I had my final appointment with the surgeon and nutritionist today, all is in place. One week and counting.

I haven't updated since my big post about my up-coming gastric bypass surgery. I decided to have my surgery here in VA and will have the traditional bypass surgery. There was a lot that went into making the decision but I won't bore you with the details. Essentially, I wanted to be close to my doctor and they offer/require meetings with a nutritionist. The nutritionist was significant in swaying my decision. I meet with her 3 times prior to surgery to plan my meals and then have unlimited access to her after surgery for the first 18 months. There is also a support group that meets monthly.

So my feelings... I feel really peaceful about this decision. It's been a long time coming and I have, at times, been very stressed and anxious about it. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I've never understood people who couldn't just make decisions, it's always come so easy to me. I look at my options, look at the consequences and decide. This time just wasn't that simple. I felt that the Lord was asking me to make the decision and wasn't giving me any direction. My theory held true though and once I made the choice and moved forward with my plans I felt peaceful.

I know this is going to be a tough journey at times and I know there will be loads required of me to be successful but I am optimistic this will allow me to get to a healthier place. I'm excited and at peace. And very excited to have my mom come stay with me for a week!

Amazon

I am now a seller on Amazon - I'm selling my nursing books and a few other random ones I don't plan on reading again. So far I've sold 5 books (sadly only one nursing book) and made $68.59. Not bad.

Dad, do you agree?

"If you've ever tried to get wet toilet paper out of a tall oak tree you start believing in capital punishment". "Halloween" on the History Channel. Love it.

"500 Days of Summer"

"500 Days of Summer" was lame and slightly depressing. Who wants to go to the movies and not have a happy ending? Lame. I like fairy tales. If I wanted reality I would read my journal. There was, however, one exceptional scene where they split screen him going to a party at her house, one side: "expectations" the other side "reality". That was an excellent portrayal of reality. Loved it. The rest of the movie, not so much. If I didn't have to work in the morning I'd probably cry.

Weird

To qualify for the mini-gastric bypass (MGB) surgery I have to be a certain weight. When I started this process back in April I was over the qualifying weight by about 10 pounds. I have since lost that 10 pounds. Herein lies the problem, if I lose anymore weight I may not qualify, per insurance, for the surgery. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay the same weight - especially when you're neurotic about it? Believe, I thought I was crazy before... My biggest fear about this surgery is that my insurance won't approve it. I want it to by my choice.

Just a glimpse into my life... I don't have a chair for my desk so I sit on my exercise ball. I just tried to adjust my position on it and fell off, taking down a lamp and a clock. They were small... Now I'm sitting in the dark. Embracing my inner klutz.

I'm off to go see "500 Days of Summer" with my friend.

Mini Gastric Bypass Surgery

I haven't written about this yet, I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it over my blog. I am very seriously considering having bariatric surgery in November. When I say "very seriously", I have a pre-op appointment and a surgery date. This decision hasn't come to me easily and I have concerns about it but I feel it is the best option for me and I don't know what else to do.

Most of you know I've been struggling with my weight since I was about 8 years old. I've tried so many diets and until this past year have been a pretty consistent exerciser. This year has taken it's toll. I had knee surgery a year and a half ago and developed impingement syndrome in my shoulder swimming last summer. Between the knee and the shoulder and working and not sleeping and the gallbladder, I'm a mess. I just want to be able to move again.

I found a surgeon in North Carolina who performs the "mini gastric bypass". The typical bypass surgery creates a stomach pouch, then bypasses and reattaches the small intestine in two places. I'd have to draw a picture as I'm not great at explaining. There are lots of complications with that surgery, my biggest fear being you can stretch out the small pouch and end up back where you started. The "mini" instead of making a pouch divides the stomach length-wise creating a tube then bypasses part of the small intestine and reattaches it further down. There is only one new connection point and the stomach is significantly harder to stretch. Additionally, the risks are significantly decreased.

To qualify for my insurance to pay for the surgery I have had to meet with a nutritionist and my physician for 6 months, have a psychological evaluation, have a support letter written and notorized, and write personal statements. September will be my 6th month.

As I go into the final months of preparation I'm getting scared. I'm afraid my insurance won't cover it. I'm afraid it won't work. I'm afraid I'll have digestion and malnutrition problems. I'm afraid I'll have loose skin. I'm afraid I'll lose unevenly and look funny. I'm afraid.

I've talked to loads of people who have had this surgery and other gastric bypass surgeries and I've yet to have anyone say they regret it. Many have said they would do it all over again - even if they had complications. I'm still working through my fears, obviously, and while I may sound awfully scared tonight, usually I'm quite confident in my decision. I know this won't be an easy path but I'm hoping to start a new story. I want my new story to be unhindered by obesity.

Montgomery County Fair

My friends and I went to the Montgomery County Fair last weekend... it was all a county fair should be... loads of fried food... farm animals... pig races... decorated toilets... and yes, fried Oreos are delicious!!! Oh, and it was pouring rain the whole time...