July 31
Falling
My co-worker fell out of her RV this morning. Again. Yes, she lives in an RV and yes, she regularly falls out of it. While sober. To add to the excitement this morning, she broke the window. Now the RV sports a cardboard and duct tape window. What more can ask for from a co-worker?
Pondering
I've been pondering my situation for a long time and I need to make a decision soon but I don't think I'm any closer now than I've ever been. My problem? Do I stay at my job and try to juggle my semester so as not to incur any more debt or do I quit my job and concentrate solely on school? By the way, once in a nursing program all my bills, life, etc will be paid by student loans so debt is inevitable. It's just a decision of how much and when. I may be able to get a job working part time as a nanny but that would really only pay my health insurance and gas. My tuition and fees have been waived so I would mostly just have living expenses (pretty cheap since I live at home but I'd still have my personal expenses). Also to think about, I'll have 4.5 months between the end of my semester and starting nursing school (that's assuming I get in) so I'll need to work full time then. Financially it's smarter to work but I'll be taking 12 credits and they're the ones that will get me in, or not to a program. And it's organic chemistry, pathophysiology and anatomy! All time intensive classes. My prioity is getting A's across the board but I also don't want to be swimming in debt, oh wait, that's why I'm going back so I can actually have a career that will pay off debt. See why I'm going in circles. Debt scares me, not getting into a program next winter scares me more. Maybe that should tell me something. Another factor, my patho class at CSUEB doesn't start until mid-September so I'll only have 8 credits for a month but once it starts it's on a quarter system so it'll be more intense. But if I get into the patho class at Chabot, I'd rather go there, I'll have 12 credits starting in August. And I was really hoping to take a trip to UT in October for my friend's wedding but if I'm not working that would be irresponsible. Maybe I'll know more after my financial aid meeting on Thursday. I hope so. What to do? And I have two bug bites on my finger - the itching is very distracting! Okay, I'm getting back to work (for now).
July 28
I tried...
I was going to move my blog to Blog Spot so it would be easier for people to leave comments but it was turning out to be a total pain. So sorry, I'll be sticking with msn. If you know how to leave comments without setting up a hotmail account or if you know how to move an entire blog, please let me know. Otherwise, hotmail accounts are free or drop me an email sometime. Thanks!
July 27
Wake me when it's over
I'm so bored. My job isn't exactly stimulating so I'm sitting here, trying to do my work and stay conscious. I keep thinking George was on to something in the Seinfeld episode he was taking naps under his desk. I wonder if anyone would notice...
We're all a little loopy here at work today. My co-worker just snorted. Good thing, I needed a good laugh.
July 25
Today is my birthday
Lately I've been feeling really lonely. I've enjoyed my friends that have visited - immensely - but when they're not here I've been feeling sorry for myself. Last night was the worst, my friends had left, I was turning 29 the next day and I had no vacations to plan or look forward to. Just my crummy job and going back to school next month. Going back to school is a good thing. It makes me happy, fills my time and moves me in the right direction but it doesn't fill the void the distance of good friends leaves. So fast forward to today. By noon my siblings had called my nephews attempting to wish me a happy birthday over the phone, friends I didn't know knew it was my birthday called and emailed, I was invited out for dinner and planned a wakeboarding trip with local friends for Saturday and a family party for Sunday. What was wrong with me last night? There are lots of people out there that love me and think of me. I am so grateful to have been blessed throughout my life with such good friends - everyone should be so lucky. So even though I'm lonely now it's not for lack of friends. Sometimes life leaves us on our own to grow. I've been really pushed this year and most of what I've accomplished has been done with my friends and family cheering from the sidelines but with me running alone.
Last year...
on my birthday I laid on my couch and cried all day. Didn't go to work. Didn't go out. Thought my life was a disappointment and I had no future. I hated my job; my futureless, low paying job, had gained 40 pounds on my already overweight frame, had few friends to spend my time with, didn't feel good - had recently been diagnosed with hypothyroid, and no hope for dating much less marrying anyone, had a mountain of debt that was growing daily and was generally depressed.
This year...
I woke up and went to a job that I still hate but recognize pays my bills and gives me health insurance. If I can get a better one then great, if not it's a means to an end. I have lost 22 pounds. I still have 50 more to go but I'm learning. I still have a lot of issues and insecurity surrounding my weight and food but I'm facing them and working on them. I have visited my friends in UT and they have visited me. They remind me that I'm loved and fun and someday will have time and money to play again. In the meantime they make me laugh and encourage me and try to convince me to move back to SLC. I decided to go back to school to get the nursing degree I've wanted since high school. For the first time I'm okay with my future if I never marry. I still hope to and haven't given up but realize that as a nurse I will be able to support myself, travel and do the international humanitarian work I want to do. I can live a meaningful and fulfilling life and go to bed each night feeling that I've made a difference. I've worked with my brother to learn about debt, to consolidate it, create and live within a budget and save. So far I've saved $2000 to pay toward my debt. Not bad. With my education and persistance I'll be able to eventually pay it off.
So while I'm not exactly where I want to be yet I'm definately heading in the right direction. One of my friends would often say, "Jules, you're great. You're awesome. Just have confidence in yourself." and I would think, "how can I have confidence in myself when I'm out of control and my life isn't going in a positive direction?". Well, my life is now going in a positive direction and with each good decision my confidence grows. I am happy. I'm happy with the choices I'm making and the direction I'm heading. It's often a lonely road but I think I needed it to be, otherwise I would play instead of work and now is the season for me to work. I am grateful to be in this place and that this year I'll be celebrating my birthday instead of yearning for time to slow down. Thank you to all my friends and family who have loved me and stood by me in this challenging year and thanks for remembering my birthday.
July 24
I rode on a bullet bike
Now the adrenaline is wearing off I'm getting really tired. Ryan and Tim took me to the Laguna Seca Grand Prix this weekend and I'm now a HUGE FAN of the whole super fast motorcycle thing. We roasted in the 114 degree heat and I'm seriously reconsidering the moving to AZ idea but I can't express the coolness factor of the whole weekend. Saturday after the races we hopped on the bikes and went out to Cannery Row with all the other riders. They close off Cannery Row to cars and it fills up with bullet bikes and people. I just felt cool carrying my helmet gawking at it all - no one had to know it was only my second time on the back of one of those bikes! I did get less scared and more comfortable over the course of the weekend. I love the acceleration and turning! Not some much the stopping and downhill but hey, those are a great shoulder/back workout so no complaining from me. Parking with all the other bikes on Sunday was awe inspiring - 50,000 bikes were at Laguna Seca and most of them were parked near us. Crazy. Anyway, I'm sure more details will come out as time goes on but right now I'm so tired and I should get back to work.
Just a few quick facts and observations:
1. I did wear a hat the whole weekend (a first for me).
2. I didn't know I could sweat that much.
3. My car is not a bullet bike.
4. When I close my eyes I can still see the back of Ryan's helmet - I stared at it a lot as I didn't want to turn my head and throw Ryan off balance.
5. Ryan told me afterward I could have turned my head.
6. I think my head weighed 200 pounds with that helmet on.
7. Even with 45 SPF sunscreen I got a slight burn.
8. It was cooler in the sun than in the shade.
9. I kept taking my earplugs out to hear the bikes - I loved that sound - it made my heart beat fast - or maybe that was the heat.
10. I've never loved icy lemonade so much.
11. Ryan took me on my first snowmobiling ride and now my first bullet bike ride. What's my next first Ry?
12. I drank so much water on Saturday that even with NyQuil I got up to use the bathroom 4 times that night.
13. I can't remember the last time I was that dirty.
14. When Tim comes you only need to pack your personal belongings - he's the master planner and packer and has everything!
15. You can only drive 55 mph while trailering in CA (bummer).
16. My leg gets longer everytime Ryan starts a story - to bad my arms don't, it'd be easier for me to reach around Ryan's broad chest!
17. Driving across Nevada, in the heat of the day with a broken AC isn't comfortable (I didn't learn this lesson personally but Joe & Becca drove home through the night to avoid a repeat lesson).
18. Spray-on sunscreen is hard to apply evenly.
19. Running across the track, even to move the line along, is not allowed.
20. I adore Tim and Ryan!
July 20
Early Calls
Ryan called this morning at 4:43am to say they're on their way. If it had been anyone else for almost any other reason he would have gotten a instead. I wasn't asleep anyway - to excited to sleep.
July 19
A little less of me...
I lost 1.6 pounds last week! Yea!!
July 18
My thoughts...
I've been trying to think about what to write today but nothing has been coming to me. Karen left this morning and I miss her already. We managed to pack in a trip to Disneyland and a trip to the coast while she was here. She is mad for the ocean, which I could take or leave but mostly leave, so she's always trying to drag me there. I have to admit I had a good time yesterday. We visited Point Bonita Lighthouse, spent a short time at the beach staring at the ocean, and then drove through Sausalito. I guess I'm always worried I'm going to get stuck sitting in the sand, getting fried and staring at the water all day. Need a bit more action than that so yesterday's outing was perfect. Disneyland was super. I think the heat kept most people away so the lines were short. I absolutely LOVED the Hollywood Tower of Terror - it made me even more motivated to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Anything to make my stomach drop like that! So I'll spend the next few days getting ready for Ryan and Tim to come, lots of laundry, unpacking and washing the car to do. I bought a ticket to the races on Saturday so I'll be spending 2 full days watching motorcycle races this weekend. Tim is afraid I'll get bored but I can't imagine being bored around those two. I can't wait... just a few more days.
Also on my mind, Karen met this really great guy on ldssingles.com a while back and thus far things have been going well. I've always been pretty hesitant and maybe a little condesending about online dating but as time has gone on and my options have become more limited I've thought about possibly considering checking it out. So, after I swallowed my pride today, I signed up for a trial period. We'll see what happens. What do you write to a guy you don't know?
July 13
Happy Day
Karen is here! After many delays and visits to several airports she finally made it to Oakland last night. There's something so comforting and satisfying about being reunited with your best friend. We quickly fell into our normal conversation and habits so you'd never know we were apart for a full year. I feel like a piece of me that has been missing has been put back into place. I slept better last night than I have in a long time and that's saying a lot since I was on the couch. These next 6 days are going to be delightful!
July 11
AAGGHHH!!!!
I just spent my entire lunch break and a good sum of money getting my car detailed and when I got in there was a big ring of oil on the passenger seat! They had placed one of the hubcaps on the seat - why would you do that???? So I pointed out the obviously fresh oil stain and the guy asked if I was sure it wasn't already there! I watched him put the hubcap in the car - YES I'M SURE IT WASN'T ALREADY THERE!!! So they cleaned the seat but you can still see the stain. I don't know if I'm annoyed or downright angry but I'm leaning toward angry. I wish I had demanded my money back or made them clean the seat until it was perfect but I just feel like such a jerk when I do that it's not usually worth it. The worst part is now I have to stay late at work to make up the time, I didn't get a good lunch so I'm hungry (which generally makes me cranky anyway) and now my seat has a stain. At least the car got a great wax job. I'll try to think of that everytime I look at the stain on my seat. Dang it, I'm hungry. AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
July 10
Best "You've gained weight" Comment Ever
I'm working on my second diet coke for the day. Feeling kind of gross and bloated but, at least, awake. So, when I thought to myself, "Man, I feel gross and bloated", I thought of my friend. Before I was diagnosed with hypothyroid I managed to pack on about 40 pounds. I was complaining to my friend, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, and he got very quiet then said, "Are you sure you're not just bloated?". 50 pounds? Probably not but it sure made me laugh. Still makes me laugh. I'm going to go have some more diet coke.
Work
I probably shouldn't write how I feel about me job as someone I work with my read it but, oh well. My job was perfect when I got it. I hadn't yet been diagnosed as hypothyroid so just being awake was exhausting so I needed a job close to home with little to no stress that required little thought. Now, my job is so painfully tedious and boring I worry I'm losing brain cells everyday. It requires more effort to stay awake than to do most of my job duties. Why do I stay? They work with my school schedule and it'd be pretty hard to get a job when I know I'm going to quit in May and I need medical benefits. So I sit here for 40 hours a week and worry I'm getting stupider by the minute. At least I get to take a four day weekend this week and a three day weekend next week. I can't wait to see my friends. Maybe I'll think about that for a while...
On the other hand, I get to spend just 4 hours a week volunteering in an ER. They tend to be the best 4 hours of my week. I spend most of my time comforting patients, running errands for the nurses, tidying up and generally trying to make everyone's stay a little bit better. From time to time I get to be a listening ear, I love being able to take a moment of my day to make someone else's a little bit better. This week I sat with a boy with a broken arm while his mom phoned his dad, just for about 5 minutes but I was able to make him laugh and distract him from his fear and pain for a short time, it made my day. I can't wait to become a nurse and get to spend my whole day assisting, treating and comforting those around me. My duties will be different but the goal is the same, to be helpful and comforting in a time of need. I can't wait.
July 07
Vacation Countdown
4.5 DAYS LEFT: Next Wednesday my best friend & college roommate Karen will fly into Oakland then we'll run off to my favorite restaurant in SF and then Thursday we'll cruise down to Disneyland with a couple of our friends and ultimately meet up with our other college roommate and friend Bree. Did that make any sense??? Anyway, I'm so excited!!! My first roadtrip and vacation in ages. And just after she leaves my two favorite men, Ryan and Tim are coming in from UT for the weekend. I get to go to my first motorcycle race with them. It's sure to be entertaining. I'm getting giddy just thinking about it!
July 06
Weight Watchers
Last night I finally passed the 10 pound weight loss goal!!!!! Actually I've lost a total of 11.6 pounds with WW and another 10 before that so I'm down 21.6 total! YEA!!! This process has been a lot harder than I thought it would be but I've earned every pound lost and I'm getting better at it and, most importantly, I'm feeling better - physically and emotionally (my confidence really took a hit with this weight gain). I'm really looking forward to the day when I can hike and swim and wakeboard and rock climb or whatever else I want to do and not feel hampered down by all these extra pounds. That day is getting closer and closer. Such good feelings of satisfaction.
July 05
Shoes
If the show "What Not To Wear" saw my shoe collection right now I think they'd throw out half of it, the half I actually wear. I've always been a huge fan of the flip-flop but have recently taken the relationship to a new level. Why? It seems most shoes are just uncomfortable. Certainly not the worst offenders, but maybe since their function is to protect and comfort my feet during strenuous activity, are my last pair of running shoes. Loved them because they were cute but they never really fit my foot. So yesterday I decided to bite the bullet and buy a pair of running shoes that fit properly. I walked into Foot Locker without much hope and even less when the associate came and spoke to me.
Foot Locker Man: "What kind of shoe are you looking for?"
Me: "Running or aerobic. Not sure."
FLM: "Totally different shoes blah, blah, blah..."
Me: "Then I'm more interested in a running shoe."
FLM: "With your foot: wide forefoot, narrow heel and high arch; you want this shoe."
Me (In flip flops): To myself - Are you serious? I didn't even see you look at my feet. I've never had someone fit my foot well much less on the first, off handed try. I'll definately have to go to Forward Motion (a running store). To him - "Hmm, okay."
I tried on the one pair of shoes he brought, with the insole designed especially for pronating women and the heavens parted, the sun shone and I was walking on the best fitting shoe I'd ever worn. The sole fit snuggy into all my arches, the back cupped my heel and my toes had the freedom to wiggle. I'd almost call it magic but this guy has found his calling. He's the best shoe picker outter EVER!!!! I didn't even wear my new shoes around the house for a couple days. They went directly to the July 4th fireworks where I celebrated foot comfort and my freedom at the same time.
On the note of freedom "The World According to Megan" has posted the "Delaration of Independence". I read it this morning, reminiced about my trip last year to Philadelphia and the sacrifices made to create this country and maintain our freedom over the years. It was a good reminder to read it again. I'm grateful to live in a country established and maintained by such brave and heroic men and women.
July 03
ER Visits
WARNING: TOTALLY RANDOM THOUGHT I was just thinking about our patients in the ER on Saturday night. Most were there for fevers (not particularly high fevers). Fevers. I have never once been to the ER for a fever. Are you supposed to go to the ER for a fever? We even joke that if ever managed to get a fever I'd probably be so close to dead the ER would be futile (my normal temp is 96 and even with ear/sinus infections never got over 99). Maybe it was just my mom. We were Kaiser kids (I'll try to limit my derogitory comments) and our ER was 40 minutes away. My mom hated going. It involved packing us up, dropping someone off at Grandma's and then sitting in the waiting room for no less than 5 hours (that was if you were at high risk for dying). She said by the time she saw a doctor in the ER we could be in an appointment with Urgent Care. So, except for the time I forced my mom to take me - I had torn and sprained the ligaments in my elbow and couldn't stand the swelling or the pain - I never saw the inside of an ER. Not even when, completely my accident, I poured sand in my eye, which scratched my retina causing me to have to wear an eye patch for a week - the week of cheerleading try-outs (don't act surprised I didn't make it - I didn't have any depth perception). I do have an exaggerated fear of going blind now any time I get something in my eye. Once in college I became a regular, of sorts, due to recurring migraines (thank heaven for heavy narcotics) and suddenly becoming accident prone. Even in my limited experience I've always loved the ER. Something about the rush and quick answers, well not at Kaiser but in other institutions. Just made me chuckle though, worried moms bringing their kids in with fevers. Maybe my mom didn't love us that much or maybe she realized that Tylenol and our pjs was a perfectly reasonable solution.
July 02
Wishing
My friend sent me an email about an up-coming cruise. Not an ordinary cruise but one with an estimated 800 LDS young, single adults. I want to go. There's really no way that I can as I wouldn't be able to swing paying off my debt, saving for the cruise, and paying for school. Besides, by the end of July I will be out of vacation time and the cruise is scheduled in the middle of my critical semester. It doesn't matter to me that it's a cruise, it could be almost anything, it's that I know several of my SLC friends will end up going and maybe even some of my CA friends and I'll miss an opportunity to be worry free and having fun with a bunch of kids my age and religion, if only for a week. When I lived in SLC I was part of a group that went on roadtrips all the time. I don't know that I've ever had so much fun and, sadly, since I moved back to CA I haven't found that again. Besides, there aren't many guys around here that are older, settled, have real jobs and are still single. Trips like the ones I went on in UT and this cruise give me hope that there are still guys out there and that I'm not to old to find someone. I know, I'm only 28 - almost 29 - but in the LDS community the pickings can get pretty slim. I wish I could somehow convince the organizers to reschedule for March 2007. That would be a good time for me. Yeah, probably not.
ER
I spend my Saturday nights working as a volunteer in one of our local emergency rooms. Most people look at me funny and question why I would give up my Saturday nights to work, especially after working a normal 40 hour week and come fall taking 12 credits. My answer, it's usually a lot more entertaining than anything else I could do. It's actually the highlight of my week. So one night a patient was brought in, by ambulance, having passed out from heavy drinking. Blood is not a problem for me but I found out quickly I don't do so well with vomit. Don't worry, I did fine but wow I had to concentrate on not following suit. So the lesson in this experience, I've never drank, never thought it was a good plan but that night I realized why I would never drink. This patient, once conscious, was a respectable, well spoken and horribly embarrased about passing out in a public place, oozing vomit and being completely out of control. I never want to self induce that situation. Maybe not enough for others but enough for me.
