Thank you for all the words of encouragement. As you all know this is not a new trial for me and is not likely to be over any time soon. Many of you have said you don't understand my particular situation but we've all had similar challenges. I appreciate your experience, your prayers and your love. I'm tremendously blessed to have such a loving and supportive family. I miss you all.
Lest you think my life is all challenges and disappointments I thought I'd give you an update on clinical. I DON'T HAVE CRAZY INTENSE NURSING INSTRUCTOR HOVERING OVER ME AND STRESSING ME OUT FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER!!!!!! Wow, that felt good. My clinical group is divided into 2 groups. The first part of the semester I had crazy lady and now I have, worst lecturer in the program but really good clinical instructor. I just took a deep breath. I was assigned to a new grad nurse on Monday (Nazi Instructor flipped out) so I had to get a new patient today - Mellow Instructor didn't make me complete a new write-up. YEA! Somehow I managed to do one anyway - just because I wanted to figure out what was wrong with him but I did it at the hospital not at home. In addition, she doesn't hover (I think I may have mentioned that) and she gives positive feedback. Actually, while observing my assessment she counted respirations for me. I wouldn't have known except I told her I'd have to go back and get them as the patient wouldn't stop talking and I wasn't able to count. She told me not to worry - she counted for me! Besides clinical instructor greatness, the unit I'm in is way more mellow. Not less intense but less chaotic. It makes a huge difference. It's a much smaller unit and the nurses interact with each other more. It just feels like a better environment to me. If I were a patient - it's where I would want to be. I don't think I want to do med-surg but if I do, I want to be on that unit.
So I completed my assignment that's due tomorrow and I'm going to watch Bones and House and eat pinenuts. Not a bad day. Not bad at all.
I've been in Tucson now for about 5 months and have found some friends and even a boy to like. About a week ago I realized that my friends and I are just friends (again) and that I needed to find some people closer to my age and experience. So tonight I went to an FHE group for 30-45 year olds. The guys that were there were all well over 40 and no more socially developed than they were as awkward 20 somethings. Not to say they weren't nice but no real hope either. Now I know I came to Tucson to go to nursing school but I did hope that I would find a social group and, more importantly, someone to date and marry. My hopes are pretty shattered right now. It took about all my fortitude to not stop by Scott's on the way home to plead for a chance. I'm still waiting for him to call. He went from calling 4-5 times/week to 8 days with no calls. Not much hope there either. Sorry to be such a downer but since the only people who read this are those who know and love me - I thought I could be honest about what's really going on in my life.
P.S. I did see Scott at the Halloween Party and was optimistic but since he hasn't called since - well, I'm 30 and not married - so not so optimistic.
Is anyone else unable to upload photos? I've been trying for a couple days now and it keeps giving me error messages.
To answer Ashley's question from ages ago... An Eegee is like a Slurpy but more icey and way yummier. I was going to take a picture of one but somehow I eat the whole thing before I get my camera out.
The past weeks have been crazy with clinicals. Turns out, I get attached to my patients. It's been pretty hard on me. My last patient was really miserable and there just wasn't much we could do for her. She kept telling me she wanted to die. Do you know how painful it is when you are doing everything you can to help someone and they want to die but it's just not their time yet? It's heartbreaking.
School has been really hard this semester and I've been seriously wondering why I'm doing this to myself. I keep plugging away at it and slowly it's getting done but the joy of it all has definitely been lost. The problem is we can't have an experience without having a huge assignment attached to it. For example, I was in GYN surgery this week - pretty cool - now I have to write a paper about it. I suppose that's what school is all about.
On the other hand, I've been really enjoying my friendship with the guys and Jaime (that's actually how she spells her name). We've done some pretty fun things lately but for some reason blogger won't let me up-load pictures right now so you'll have to check back for the details...
I got this email from someone in my RS. It made me think of my mom and my sisters. Just want you guys to know how much I love you and admire the work you're doing in your homes. Miss you more than you know.
Invisible Woman
It started to happen gradually. One day I was walking my son to
school. I was holding his hand and we were about to cross the street
when the crossing guard said to him, "Who is that with you, young
fella?"
"Nobody," he shrugged. No body? The crossing guard and I laughed. My
son is only 5, but as we crossed the street I thought, "Oh my
goodness, nobody?"
I would walk into a room and no one would notice. I would say
something to my family - like "Turn the TV down, please" - and
nothing would happen. Nobody would get up, or even make a move for
the remote. I would stand there for a minute, and then I would say
again, a little louder, "Would someone turn the TV down?" Nothing.
Just the other night my husband and I were out at a party. We'd been
there for about three hours and I was ready to leave. I noticed he
was talking to a friend from work. So I walked over, and when there
was a break in the conversation, I whispered, "I'm ready to go when
you are." He just kept right on talking.
I'm invisible.
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response,
the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the
phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't
you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on
the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my
head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this?
Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of
hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is
it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney
Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the
eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum
laude but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to
be seen again.
She's going¸ she's going¸ she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return
of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a
fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she
stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put
together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for
myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only
thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in
a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter
in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with
a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly
sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To
Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are
building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would
discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after
which I could pattern my work:
No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of
their names.
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never
see finished.
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the
eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit
the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving
a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the
man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a
beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And
the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was
almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I
see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you
does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no
cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over.
You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what
it will become."
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a
disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of
my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder.
As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see
finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The
writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could
ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people
willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend
he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at
4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a
turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table."
That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just
want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more
to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if
we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the
world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty
that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible
women.
~~Author Unknown
So walking back from the mailbox just now I thought, "self, this is a truly beautiful night. The air is clear and just a little crisp and the perfect temperature. And oh, how lovely, I'm going to walk across this nice, freshly mowed, freshly sprinklered grass. ACK! This grass is like walking on slippery astro-turf!!!". And so it goes in Tucson.
While listening to conference I decided to follow the council of Pres. Eyring and write down what the Lord has done for me today.
1. I didn't finish researching all 25 of my patients meds (21 of which I'm not allowed to give anyway) and my teacher didn't ask to see them. I'm hoping this blessing continues on for the remainder of the week.
2. My patient didn't need to have his colostomy bag cleaned. I'm guessing my luck won't hold on that one tomorrow.
3. I didn't stab anyone, including myself with a pen, fork or any other pointy object. While this sounds a bit silly it's been very tempting lately. Especially my professors.
4. I really like the new Eegee flavor. I really have to take joy in the simple things.
Last night was the first night, since moving to Tucson, that I wasn't hot. I actually got to sleep under both my sheet and blanket in my silky pajamas! I even slept with my window open! Oh happy night!!!
I'm so happy - I'm watching Bones. My very favorite show. I missed the season premiere last week - I'm sure that's why it was such a crappy week - except for all the other crappy things that happened.
So for this week. Scott and I went up to Mt. Lemmon on Sunday night - no, we're not dating - this is me we're talking about! But it was certainly nice to get out of the city.
The past weeks have brought me to a very disturbing conclusion, I think I may be destined for peds. I spent the past two weeks in a peds clinic and an elementary school. I actually really like the kiddos and I kind of think they like me. I'm sure this is no surprise to most of you but working with kids is not all popsicles and stickers. I'm worried about working with crazy parents, sending kids home with crazy parents and teenagers but I wonder if the potential for good outweighs the frustration. No decisions yet just some ideas. But so you can get an idea of what I have been doing during my rotation I'm posting my peds journals. Enjoy.
Overall Activities:
In the morning I discussed my goals with the nurse and we agreed I would focus on intake assessments. I was able to complete assessments, including rooming and documentation, on three infants and two children. Of the five children I assessed, two were in the clinic due to illness. All but one of my patients spoke English. My Spanish speaking patient brought her sister to translate. I felt comfortable obtaining histories – with my older patients (ages 9 and 12) I spoke directly to the patients and then asked the parent if I needed more information or clarification. I did feel awkward asking about domestic violence but I’m sure I’ll be more confident with practice. One patient had a suspicious story which I noted and then discussed with the physician. The parents and patients I worked with today were cooperative and, except for the patient cited above, forthcoming with needed information and were patient with me. I observed one of the residents unpack, assess, clean and repack a MRSA abscess. I gave two immunization injections and performed a genetic disease blood test.
I got off to a slow start – I don’t think I was clear enough the nurse I was working with regarding my goals and what I could do. While I didn’t perform much patient care in the beginning of the day I did get a better idea of the paperwork and organization involved in running a clinic. Once I clarified my goals I was given more opportunities to participate in patient care. I learned today that at times I will have to speak up more when I want learning opportunities.
Overall Activities:
We didn’t have very many patients in the morning so I shadowed the nurse as she went through her morning routine and performed intake assessments as patients came in. In the afternoon we had three extra doctors in for their private patients so I was busy doing intake assessments and documentation. I didn’t get a chance to learn the vision and hearing tests as the one patient that needed it was sent home before I was given the chance.
Personal Reactions/Issues/Concerns:
I enjoyed the people that I got to work with and the patients, however, I found clinic work to be slow and repetitive. It seemed to me the RNs mostly do paperwork and intake assessments but besides that have little patient contact. There weren’t many opportunities to do procedures as they aren’t normally done in the clinic and shots/immunizations/etc are given by a CNA (who wasn’t allowed to supervise me). It was interesting to see the difference between a clinic setting and a hospital setting but I think, for now, a clinic is too slow and limited for me.
Overall Activities:
The plan was for me to do hearing and vision screening for the majority of the day; however, so many children came in sick today that I ended up working with nurse. I was able to do evaluations of fevers, sore throats, scrapes, stomachaches, headaches, asthma and a few minor head injuries (I was very excited to use my penlight!). I sent a few kids home with fevers and sore throats. I even got to help clean up a couple of “spills” and “accidents”. I did learn how to do a hearing test – and the child we practiced on failed his hearing test in his left ear. I was able to look into his ear with the otoscope – very cool. He was sent home to have x-rays of his wrist (his chief complaint) and to see his pediatrician about his hearing. After talking to the nurse about my peds project I decided to focus on one of the children with asthma. The nurse told me there has been an increase in the number of children with asthma so I thought it would be good to research and teach on (besides, maybe I’ll learn more about how to treat my own symptoms).
The children that came in were really sweet. I enjoyed working with them. It took me a little while to warm up to them but after observing Dr. Chapman’s interaction I was more comfortable and better at getting them to talk to me. By the end of the day I was able to care for children on my own while the nurse was working with others (of course she always checked my evaluations). I thought the nurse was good at her job, needed more help and a better organization system. The kids really love her though and it’s obvious how much she cares for them.
Overall Activities:
This morning I helped with the children that came in sick – lots of scrapes, bruises and bumps. Midmorning I started on vision and hearing exams. One of the children (kindergarten age) I tested was undiagnosed color blind, which was interesting. What he saw and what I saw were completely different. I tried to be very encouraging and not let on that there was anything different about his test. During my afternoon testing I had a child who wanted glasses (he told me) and then tested 20/200 on his eye exam. I think he’s going to have to be retested. Unfortunately the boy who comes in for nebulizer treatments came in while I was testing so I didn’t get to do any teaching with him nor did I get to set up his treatment.
I really enjoyed my experience the elementary school. The children were delightful to work with and the staff was helpful and grateful for all that I did. I don’t think I want to be a school nurse anytime soon but possibly later in my career. I like that as a school nurse you can influence a child to be healthier and teach parents. I think it could be a very rewarding position.
